the ramble

In 2009 (to put it mildly) the stars were not aligned.

There were a thousand things leading to a breaking point: losing Peter Pan; the fact that he wanted to cheat on me–and told me so; my mother’s accusations after the breakup; my father calling me selfish, then taking it back; a thousand questions about whether or not I was going to Save My Soul by sitting in a church pew; the loss of two dear friends; others far away; the mechanic breaking the jeep door, which caused me to hit another car with the door and pay out more than $300; my sister pawning my grandmother’s ring; my first car accident; my first side-of-the-road breakdown; a broken bathtub; an inconsiderate apartment complex; the constant pressure at work to WORK MORE, OH MY GOD, MORE; bad dates; worse dates; self-sabotaged dates; doctor’s office bills; nightmares; pills; more bills.

I tried everything this year: I Traveled Denver. I went to concerts. I took long, hot baths and read long, decadent books. I napped in the middle of my Saturdays. I went to Therapy. I took pills. Everything worked. But only for a minute.

The change in the air, the hope for next year’s stars to fall back into line, the real cure came in the latter part of the year. In the form of a tiny, sleepy-looking puppy in a pet store window.

I stayed in that pet store, holding her, for three hours. I pressed my face into her fur, looked into her eyes, carried her through the store and talked to her.

And then I tore through everything—comfort, resources, time—to have her. Those brief, happy moments meant everything to me.

And thus The Moon—the tiny, shining, soft, independent Moon—saved my life. She outweighs every bad thought, bad feeling, bad idea. She sleeps on my pillow, pressed against my cheek. She needs me desperately. And, in saving her, I save myself.

It is time for a new year. A better year. A year to walk backward and find the girl I left behind sometime in February. A year to forget the bitter and Take Back the sweet. A year to celebrate life, to read more, to learn and to love mercy.

The year of The Moon.