How to Date a Denverite

A companion post to stuff written by Relatively Dashing Roommate.

Dear men of Denver (and, apparently, various other locales),

As you read the laments of my friend, Relatively Dashing Roommate, I could hear your sighs of agreement. Denver is a city full of men – the ratio being (wonderfully, I’m sorry to say) something like two men for every woman. Men who are outdoorsy, manly, smart and capable (and, as you have read here before, also some who are grammatically inept, moderately frightening and/or total stalkers).

This, of course, leaves you gents in quite the pickle (and, by the way, can someone explain to me why the phrase “in a pickle” came about, as there is really no literal way to be in a pickle, unless perhaps it’s the world’s largest pickle…but I digress). You love Denver for its proximity to climbing and mountain biking and skiing and other athletic, manly things. But you don’t love Denver for it’s lack of lovin’. You could move to New York, but where would you go when you were itching to climb a fourteener?

And so you are stuck in Dudeville, U.S.A. What’s a single guy to do?

Lucky for you, I’ve heard your pleas. And I’ve taken pity. Enough pity to write an entire blog post dedicated to you, Sad Lonely Menverite. A post that will–if religiously followed–increase your odds of getting kissed sometime in the next ten years. Excited, yet? You should be.

These simple rules, which I am sad to report that so many of you are currently failing to follow, more than double your chances of a second date. (And if you happen to be one of my five most recent dates, perhaps you’ll understand my distant disinterested feeling).

Without further ado…

1.Leave the house. And not only leave the house, but go places where you’re likely to meet the kind of lady you’d be into. You’re into running? Go to the park and run. You’re into wine? Go to a wine tasting. You like physical activity? Try dancing. You’re desperate? Go to the mall.

2. Ask the girl out. So, you’re nervous. So what. You don’t have the luxury of being nervous, son. So go out there and say hello. Really, what’s the worst that can happen? You’re still single at the end of the night? You were going to be anyway. And rejection is only as bad as you make it: the girl could say no thanks for a thousand different reasons and not all of them have to do with you. So don’t take it personal. Just go say hi. As long as you aren’t leering creepily, grabbing our feet under the bar or using a pick up line about us being from heaven, we’re probably just going to leave being flattered and/or having given you our phone number.

3. Plan the date. Stop being nervous about whether or not I like Indian food, will think you are lame if you suggest bowling or might not kiss you if your date choice is a walk in the park. Grow a pair and make a suggestion. I’ll let you know if I’m deathly allergic to MSG. On a first date, there is no “I dunno, what do you want to do?”

4. Pay for the date you planned. Really, you thought that living in a city with a 2 to 1 ratio gave you the option of asking (or demanding) for me to pick up my portion of the tab. Um, next please.*

5. LISTEN. We all know that you are the most interesting man on the planet. You’ve climbed Everest, run with the bulls, wrestled a lion until it shouted uncle–in English! Yes, yes, you are fantastic. And a catch. But what we ladies would very much like is this: a conversation. Not a monologue. Also not you saying nothing about yourself all night. A conversation. To which there are two talkers and two points of view.

The overarching theme is this: it’s not quite as hard as you make it out to be. Get off your couch (or out of the wilderness); say hello; make a plan that you can afford; and find out about the girl–did she also swim the English channel in the cold pouring rain and travel to an asteroid in farthest space, narrowly escaping death? (Feel free to lead with that question and then write to me and let me know how it goes).

The point is, you’ll be glad you did.

* I would like to add a caveat on this particular point: if a girl offers to pay it’s a slightly different story. (Feel free to insist, though. Not all of us love it, but many of us do). If she asks you out and plans the date, that also might be a different story. But if you asked her out and made the plan, you better plan for your budget, buddy.