2. My favorite part is the sheep.

3. The Oatmeal tells you how to get 6 fat guys to read your website.

I’ll preface this by saying I’ve met a couple darling landlords, but if my roommate options keep falling through, I can’t commit to a two-bedroom and I’m always a little concerned about a lack of fenced yard.

The place I saw last night was cute, well-appointed and in a nice area, but didn’t have any natural light. Before that, there was a place that echoed like a cathedral. And, worse–much, much worse–the landlord stood me up, directly preceded by a potential roommate standing me up.

WHAT THE HELL PEOPLE.

You all have telephones. This is not a hard thing: being polite.

To be fair, the roomie said she texted me. But I called her twice and frantically and she apparently did not think that was an indicator that I didn’t get or don’t have text. I’d like to live with someone who has a brain, please. And a heart.

I think I may have to resort to living alone again. Darn it all.

Please price your rental appropriately. Below are some tips that will help:

1. If you do not have a kitchen in your rental, you MAY NOT charge $800. More appropriate charge: $6.00.

2. If there are giant holes in the wall (the size of rats), you MAY NOT charge $600. More appropriate charge: free.

3. If your house has 63 people living in it and sacks of flour in the living room, you MAY NOT charge $400. Appropriate charge: $10.

If your place is falling apart, I don’t care if it is across the street from a million dollar home, you MAY NOT overcharge people. Be reasonable, guys. Your place is worse than the $500 places in Glendale…come on.

Love,

Gigi

It’s been a long time. I know. And I’m sorry. Well, more sorry for me than for you really. Because the reason I haven’t written, the reason I’ve been incommunicado and cranky and prone to short bursts of crying, is because I have Bed Bugs. Well, perhaps I should say had. Past tense. I have not gotten a bite in a week, which supports the past tense theory.

So, for those of you who are blissfully naive, let me tell you about bed bugs:

1. They bite you. They bite you all over. They bite you hard. They suck your blood and they leave enormous itchy welts all over your body. It’s very attractive and delightful. They’re my favorite animal.

2. They’re visible. Oh yes, they look like ticks. You can totally see them and–BONUS–you can also see inside their tiny bodies, where your blood fills their tummies. Yum.

3. They live everywhere. Apparently, they’re impossible to get rid of. I’ve already tossed most of my furniture, all of my luggage and a good bit of clothing/hats/accessories.

Oh, yes, my dearest darling readers. These delightful creatures, who live in your bed, your couch, your chairs, your clothes and your carpet–they are wonderful housemates. Not at all gross.

And being as they are not at all gross, the Cherry Creek Club does not seem to care that they’ve overrun my entire life. That’s right folks, shockingly, CCC is not paying for a damn thing, not giving me free rent, not even waiving final utilities or saying they are sorry. Even though their whole complex is, apparently, infested.

Have I mentioned before that you should NOT LIVE IN THE CHERRY CREEK CLUB?

So, what now? I was going to wait and go month to month a while and figure out where to move. But, alas, since the bugs are probably going to come back over from the neighbor’s house as soon as the treatment wears off, I’m off apartment and roommate searching every second of my life. Well, in between working too hard and doing laundry 1000837 times (an hour in the dryer kills the BBs–go dryer go!).

In summary, my life is delightful. Next week is my birthday. Happy freaking birthday to me.

Compliments of dad, who is learning how to send forwards I actually like.

2. What’s it gonna be, sad man?

3. The status of my project is that I died.

Before:

After:

The town of Wengen just above Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland and only a short walk away from the stunning peaks of the Jungfrau region.

A bridge along the way to Grimmelwald, Switzerland from Lauterbrunnen, Switzerland. Just beautiful.

A path leading toward the only non-private beach at Bellagio, along Lake Como in Italy.

More photos from my trip.

Since we’re talking about cows, I should also mention that we were scared out of our wits by a cow on a hiking trail. I just want everyone in the cow world to know that this means I’ll be eating ten hamburgers. Take that.

Roommate #1 really liked Zurich.

More to come later.