the ramble

Tonight, on a local radio station, a woman called in to ask for advice. Having come in halfway through the program, I don’t know the whole story, but the gist of her dilemma was as such:

She had been, for two years, in a relationship with a married man. She was starting to think he wouldn’t leave his wife for her. What should she do?

The show hosts hemmed and hawed and acted like this was a hard problem to solve. People called in and called her a sleaze. Other people called in with their “sorry, sweetheart, but he’s not going to leave his wife for you”s. And so forth.

And I wish just one person would have called in to make a larger point—not just, that happened to me and it sucked. You suck. Not just, aww, you poor dear.

What about love thy neighbor as thyself (or, for the religiously un-inclined: do unto others as you would have them do unto you)?

Think about the times in your life—whether they’re cheating-related or not—that someone else has chosen to do something that did you harm. Something that wounded you.

And then, ask yourself if not only your life, but the lives of those around you would be better off if that person had chosen a different path.

If we take care of each other, if we take a leaf from the Doctors’ book and “do no harm,” wouldn’t everyone be better off? If that person, who altered your life in some small way for the worse, had thought about your feelings, how would things be different?

Now, I understand that this wouldn’t solve all the hurt in the world—certainly, there are times when we have to do what’s best for us and others may not understand; certainly, there are times when relationships just don’t work out.

But the point is this: if every time you were faced with these sorts of dilemmas, you stopped and thought, if you asked yourself, would I want someone to do this to me? Would I want someone to do this to someone I loved? And if you chose to take care of the other person, regardless of whether you knew them—the world get just a little better, and a little better after that.

“I just can’t help it. But I love him.” The woman said.

I couldn’t help but wonder why we put so much stock in love—that love, no matter what kind of destruction you leave in your wake, somehow justifies you?

As an adult, you can’t keep making excuses based on your feelings. I bet Charles Manson “really couldn’t help it” either. I’m not comparing the crimes; I’m just saying the excuse has no legs to stand on.

Love is selfless. It’s not an excuse to mistreat people. So stop using it as one.

“I didn’t make any promises to her. I don’t even know her.” She cried.

You didn’t promise not to kick small children in the park or not to steal purses from old ladies either. And you might not know those children or those ladies. The reason you don’t do those things is because they harm other people.

And, honestly, why can’t we make promises to those we don’t know? Again, to do no harm. Why can we not—as a community—stand up and say that we are, yes, committed to our own happiness, but NOT AT THE EXPENSE OF ANOTHER? Why can’t we pledge to take care of each other? To care about a stranger as if that stranger were your own sister or mother or brother.

Their real daughter or sister or brother would be better for it.

Because harm has a ripple effect. You’re not just hurting the wife: you’re hurting the children, you’re hurting her friends, you’re hurting her family.

So don’t say that you made no promises. Your previous promises don’t matter. What does matter is this: love they neighbor as thyself. Love mercy. Do unto others. Do no harm.

Finally, she said “their relationship has problems.”

And the final note I’d like to make is A) that’s none of your business, B) someone else’s bad behavior is not an excuse for yours. (Didn’t your mother ever tell you that one?) and C) you only know his side of the story. Period.

If someone doesn’t mow their lawn, does that mean you can move into their house because you’d take care of the lawn better?

If someone never washes their car, does that mean you have the right to steal it?

(Those aren’t people! He’s making a choice!) Okay, if the teenager next door complains to you about her parents because she doesn’t like their rules, is it your right to kidnap her?

And, one last time: if it were you—if you were having some trouble with a boyfriend or a husband, but you hadn’t broken up and weren’t in the process of a breakup, would you want someone to knowingly go after your man? Sleep with him? Fall in love with him?

If things are really that bad, the man will leave. Three hundred bazillion men have done it before him. People have started over, walked away from bad relationships—even with complications. And if he does walk away, have at it.

But while he’s in that relationship, while he’s still leading her to believe that he’s committed to her—it’s not your place, however many bad things he’s said, to try and slip in there. You are not saving him. You’re harming her. And you’re harming you.

Which brings me to my final point: the girl who called was completely torn up and sad and hurt. She was afraid that the love of her life wouldn’t leave the other woman and run off with her. She wasn’t doing well.

So, even if you don’t care about the other woman, even if you don’t care about her kids and her family and her friends–please, care about yourself. Respect yourself enough to set appropriate boundaries and not let someone take from you without giving back. You aren’t happy, my darling, a fact which was very clear when you called in. So, at this stage of the game, why wouldn’t you say “goodbye–call me when you’re single.”

What have you got to lose? If he wants to be with you, he’ll get single. If he doesn’t, you can heal and move on. And you’ve stopped being an accomplice in harming someone else.

Please, my darling, darling readers: let’s take care of each other. Whether we know each other or not.