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You Like Polka Dots? Me Too! We Must be Soul Mates.
Posted on April 7, 2010 in ridiculousI’ve always found it tedious the way that some men try to connect with a girl online by choosing one item in her profile and capitalizing on the obvious similarity between said one thing and his own interests. What I mean by this is that I’ve seen a disproportionate amount of emails where the underlying message is: “OMG, you like ice cream?! I, too, like ice cream! Soul mates! Also, please take your pants off.”
A few other common themes have been, “you’re a writer? I’m a writer too. I wrote this short story ten years ago that no one will publish: it’s about aliens who eat carpet out of people’s homes. It’s totally awesome. Someday I will be famous. Also, please take your pants off.”
Or “Holy crap, you like wine? I love wine. I have, like, 6 boxes of it in my house. Want to take your pants off?”
Or “You read books? Books are awesome. I love books. The Di Vinci Code and Marley and Me both rocked my world. Why are your pants still on?”
Or “You said in your profile that you like travel. I think we’d be a perfect match because I like travel too. One time I left the state and saw the world’s most giant ball of yarn. Boy was that awesome. But not quite as awesome as it would be if you would please, dear god, take off your pants.”
Being as you gents seem to be still having some trouble, even after I gave you my tips for dating Denver women a week or so ago, here are a few more little tidbits for you:
1. If you cannot spell, use superfluous punctuation, talk about obscure book ideas that have never been published and sound totally bizarre and have never been paid to write even a sentence, you are not a writer.
2. If you think you have something in common with a girl you are about to send a message to, consider this: does everyone else also have this thing in common with her? (aka. is it liking ice cream?) If so, pick a different thing. Or, even better, just ask her about the things you don’t have in common. She’ll like to talk about herself–promise.
3. Don’t make too many inferences. There is no “Wow, you like wine? So you must like getting fall-down drunk? And therefore you must like drinking wine, getting drunk and taking your clothes off. And also, you must want to do me. Probably you also like football.” This line of reasoning doesn’t work too well for most of us.
4. Rolling the windows down when you drive in your car doesn’t make you outdoorsy. Visiting the next county over doesn’t count as traveling. And reading To Kill a Mockingbird in middle school does not make you well read.
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This one made me laugh out loud. I am so thankful I’m married. It does not seem like a whole lot of fun.
For the record, I was pretty sure Mr. “I like ice cream too let’s go out!” was my soul mate. You were the one who vetoed that very promising double-date, due to the trivial problem of there only being one of him.
Love,
RM1
u h8 annoying shallo people with horrifick punctuation and spelling? me 2! we must be soul mates! wanna keyp ur pants on and go to dinner and take an evening stroll around the block 2 get some coffee sometimes on the long way 2 get back 2 our bicycles so we can ride them 2 the airport to go backpacking in teh alps and tibet? did i mention that i am also a writer and right now i am working on something about d8ting misadventures titles “an open letter to the love of my life”?
what else do you like to do for giggles?
Some Guy: True story.
Roommate #1: Correct, but good non-fiction doesn’t really tell the truth. Your story. My story. It’s all fair game. You knew that, right. Non-fiction is just a fancy word for “lies! Lies! All lies!”
Sean: OMG, SOUL MATES!
Dear Gigi,
Ha ha, LOL, etc. I couldn’t agree more about the definition of non-fiction. I was just enjoying reminiscing about ice-cream-lover guy from the double-date days, not meaning to claim his type exclusively as my own. Shockingly, my pants are still on…
Love, RM1
Dear Gigi,
Thanks for taking the dating bullet for the rest of us. I would have set fire to my online profile by now. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
Also, I don’t know this Sean person, but I may love him.
Thank you for the kind words, Brief Roomate.
Gigi, we might be soulmates; which is probably why I am constantly enraptured with your writing.
Just to let you know, I do not actually spell that poorly (though I do always use spell check) or use “horrifik” punctuation. I do, however, like to use and abuse the English language to the fullest within the confines of artistic expression using archaic words and expressions as well as making up my own words from time to time. That said, everything I wrote is true. My writing is songwriting–I am a musician, though not getting paid for it currently. Please, do not rush to take your pants off, but enjoy some coffee and ice cream with me some evening and get to know me better.
p.s. I also enjoy candle lit dinners, long walks on the beach, and other things of the sort.
–Sean
Sean,
You forgot “puppies.” Clearly, you must also enjoy puppies in order to qualify as my soul mate.
Love,
Gigi
Gigi!
I am much remiss in both not noticing, until now, that you responded, and in also forgetting to mention “puppies”. I do have a puppy. He is 10 years old and beautiful and one of my best friends ever.
Much Love,
Sean
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