I’ve always found it tedious the way that some men try to connect with a girl online by choosing one item in her profile and capitalizing on the obvious similarity between said one thing and his own interests. What I mean by this is that I’ve seen a disproportionate amount of emails where the underlying message is: “OMG, you like ice cream?! I, too, like ice cream! Soul mates! Also, please take your pants off.”
A few other common themes have been, “you’re a writer? I’m a writer too. I wrote this short story ten years ago that no one will publish: it’s about aliens who eat carpet out of people’s homes. It’s totally awesome. Someday I will be famous. Also, please take your pants off.”
Or “Holy crap, you like wine? I love wine. I have, like, 6 boxes of it in my house. Want to take your pants off?”
Or “You read books? Books are awesome. I love books. The Di Vinci Code and Marley and Me both rocked my world. Why are your pants still on?”
Or “You said in your profile that you like travel. I think we’d be a perfect match because I like travel too. One time I left the state and saw the world’s most giant ball of yarn. Boy was that awesome. But not quite as awesome as it would be if you would please, dear god, take off your pants.”
Being as you gents seem to be still having some trouble, even after I gave you my tips for dating Denver women a week or so ago, here are a few more little tidbits for you:
1. If you cannot spell, use superfluous punctuation, talk about obscure book ideas that have never been published and sound totally bizarre and have never been paid to write even a sentence, you are not a writer.
2. If you think you have something in common with a girl you are about to send a message to, consider this: does everyone else also have this thing in common with her? (aka. is it liking ice cream?) If so, pick a different thing. Or, even better, just ask her about the things you don’t have in common. She’ll like to talk about herself–promise.
3. Don’t make too many inferences. There is no “Wow, you like wine? So you must like getting fall-down drunk? And therefore you must like drinking wine, getting drunk and taking your clothes off. And also, you must want to do me. Probably you also like football.” This line of reasoning doesn’t work too well for most of us.
4. Rolling the windows down when you drive in your car doesn’t make you outdoorsy. Visiting the next county over doesn’t count as traveling. And reading To Kill a Mockingbird in middle school does not make you well read.
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