the ramble

Read part I here.

Dear Fellow Fans of Gigi,

Intro goes here blah blah blah.

I am spending a year in a very giant city, hereinafter referred to as Giant City, far away from my beloved Colorado. At the gracious request of this blog’s author, I am now submitting a highly scientific account of my dating experimentation in Giant City… purely for academic purposes, you understand.

Below you will find an informal summary of my research notes for your review. This project included Ten Bachelors, listed in order of appearance, plus a Prequel and an Honorable Mention. The data provided here has not been tampered with or altered in any way, and the conclusions that have been drawn are based solely on the opinions of whoever I could get on the phone at the time of said proven scientific principles.

I hope you enjoy reading this report, and feel free to send any questions or comments directly to Relatively Dashing Roommate.

Now let’s get started with:

Prequel Bachelor: A handsome, intelligent, outdoorsy, and good-hearted guy, who had me completely smitten. He was also about 49% of the reason I moved from the most beautiful place in the world into a wasteland of concrete and steel, where I quickly learned that he had no interest in me other than as a reliable time-filler when he wasn’t otherwise occupied. He knew as little about me at the end of the relationship as at the beginning, sharply evidenced by the Cat Pants Incident, which I will not discuss here*. Note to all girls who wish to avoid my mistakes: good-hearted is not synonymous with communicative or attentive, nor does it imply that the guy will be a good boyfriend. If someone doesn’t care for you 110%, they don’t care about you at all. Run away, and get yourself into the arms of someone who appreciates you.

*Addendum: At the insistence of my editors, I am forced to elaborate on the Cat Pants Incident. While I still refuse to describe all the details of the story, I will provide the following tips to our male readers, and so perhaps some good can come of this otherwise tragic occurrence:

1. If you have been dating a girl long enough that your relationship is exclusive and may be considered “serious,” and it is your girl’s birthday, you must get her a good present.

2. This present should NOT be a pair of sweat pants. Even if she asks for sweat pants – if she threatens to break up with you if you do not get her sweat pants – you had best find out what the real issue is, because it is not that she wants sweat pants. I also don’t care if you’ve gotten advice from friends that this is okay (get yourself some different friends at once) or if you are planning to break up with her the very next day. Sweat pants are not an acceptable gift. Ever.

3. The present should not be in a color that your girl hates.

4. The present should not feature images of animals that she finds deplorable.

5. The present should not be wrapped in gift-wrap that you found in her house. I promise you she will notice.

6. The present should not be four sizes too big. If the present requires that you select a clothing size (which really should be avoided if at all possible), find out her size in advance. You know her friends (who will know her size), you know where she keeps her current clothes (look for small tags on the inside that have a number on them), and you’ve been groping her body as often as she’ll let you, so figure it out. It’s not rocket science.

7. Pay close attention to this one: the present must not, under any circumstances, be all of the things mentioned in tips 2 through 6. You’d be better off just saying you forgot her birthday (not that this will go well for you, either). If any of this is at all confusing to you, please seek some sort of professional help immediately.

Now, back to the topic at hand. At this point (post-Prequel Bachelor), I decided to formally implement my Giant City dating research project, and I ardently vowed to never date anyone younger than me or anyone who has (or is trying to get) an MD. These resolutions lasted approximately 4 and 7 weeks, respectively.

Bachelor #1: Great smile, great conversationalist… until he asked me – on the first date, mind you – how I could have an advanced education in science and still take my faith seriously, and went on to explain that he thought the Noah’s Ark story was stupid because “how could you fit all those animals into one boat?” (Clearly, the Old Testament scholars have not thought of this one.) Bachelor #1 will shortly be releasing his newest book titled: “How to Offend Anyone in Fifteen Words or Less.”

Bachelor #2: Started our first date, before even saying hello, with a loud “Wow, you look really GOOD!” and continued to ogle me and drool on himself for the duration of our short relationship. He spent most of our time together in a monologue about his female roommate and his cat, and explaining, in detail, all of his life accomplishments – none of which, it turns out, involve leaving eastern Illinois – and forgetting to ask anything about me. Note to self: Do not go out with anyone who has never owned a passport or who has or is interested in getting a cat.

Bachelor #3: Minor chemistry on the first date, and in a monumental personal victory I got him to sit through a chick-flick with me a couple dates in, but I was quickly worn down by his relentless need to talk about his ex-girlfriend. Note to everyone: past relationships are not an appropriate conversation topic early in a relationship, if ever. Strike two was when he told me I seemed “really artsy” (anyone who knows me can understand why this would make me unhappy) and strike three was a series of text messages, Mark-style (refer to double-dating blog entries), saying how much he was missing me and even though I’d said I was busy could he drive over just for a little bit anytime tomorrow?!… Next, please.

Bachelor #4: This guy was the runner-up in total dates, being the only one to make it to a fourth date with the exception of our winner, who we will present shortly. I was swept off my feet by Bachelor #4 who was a breath of fresh air after the various offenses of Bachelors 1 through 3. He took me to a gorgeous (and not inexpensive) restaurant, had an adult-level mastery of the English language and ability to carry his part of an articulate conversation (it’s amazing how many people in our generation are lacking these traits), and turned out to be a distance runner from a small town who is well-educated and very tall. What a great person! Unfortunately, he canceled the bike ride that was supposed to be our third date due to cold weather, and all of my friends who have ever tried to bail on an outdoor activity with me know that this sort of sissy attitude is not acceptable. For the sake of comparison, the sort of people who have become close to me over the years are able to finish a week-long backpacking trip with heatstroke while bleeding from the head, or run 20 miles with no water on two hours of sleep – and these two examples are GIRLfriends. So obviously I cannot date someone who can’t pedal a bike when the weather is cold. I also found out that he has a cat (see Prequel and Bachelor #2 entries). I submitted the “I’m moving across the country for my career” excuse and moved on.

Bachelor #5: One great dinner at an Italian bistro, two hours of hilarious conversation, but he made the tactical errors of talking about other girls too much (Note to guys: I cannot overemphasize how important it is that you STOP doing this) and only picking up our tab after I all but told him to do it. He also tried to kiss me on the first date, which I know works for some people but is generally not my favorite. Fortunately, I had the beauty of distance as an excuse to say it was really fun, but I just don’t have the time to make this work right now.

…Since Roommate #1 is delightfully long winded and stuff, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow for bachelors #6 – #10…