the ramble

The last month of the year is still a great time for reminiscing…so here are some of my favorite posts and/or moments of 2011. Enjoy, people.

The Details You See Fit to Omit
“Wait…why did you have a bucket of salt water?”

Love is a Thousand Choices
This one was just quoted in a wedding speech. Am awesome.

The Love Manifesto
“Finding balance. Between loving you. The you I know and the you I don’t. And loving me. Even though I know my flaws better than anyone.”

And What Job Would You Like, Young Man?
“I will take this whole interaction as a sign that I’m having a good hair day.”

Worth Noting
“Today a random acquaintance called me beautiful.”

Hey You, I’ll Do Your Taxes for Free
“I’m also going to start declaring (to terrified boys) that we’re officially married–and dare them to prove otherwise.”

Shame On You
“Hell, the religious folks of his time didn’t much like him either. He hung out with the tax collectors and the prostitutes. He taught people how to live and how to serve their God. But he didn’t marginalize them. He didn’t try to control them with threats. He loved them just because they were people and people are worth loving.”

At the End of This, You’re Both Going to Die
“I had an interesting mushroom soup while the boys drank and commented on the ballet’s strange hats, why men should not wear tights, why men should always wear tights while they are sword fighting, etc.”

Also, some favorites I can’t take credit for:
“There is hurt here that cannot be fixed with band-aids or poetry.”
You’ll be fine. Just breathe.
A Manifesto on Flossing & First Base
The Other Love Manifesto

Craving more? 2010’s best moments are here.

As you may have already noticed, I’ve been focusing much more than usual on my wardrobe. This is because:

A. I found that fabulous Sartorialist blog, which makes me ashamed of my wearing-of-things-with-stains.

B. I’ve been watching What Not To Wear, which I took out from the library and which, again, made me ashamed of the stuff with stains.

C. Due to watching said things, and due to working out, my wardrobe has been shrinking. I tossed everything with holes, everything with stains, all my jeans (which are faded so fully that they’re almost translucent), dresses that show too much cleavage (I know, what doesn’t?) and things I’ve owned for years and never actually worn. This all seems like a very good idea, except it left my closet looking rather lonely. And then there’s the teensy problem of not being ready to replace these things yet.

Why not, you ask? Because I still plan on getting a tad bit more in shape (though nothing crazy and unsustainable). Because I don’t want to spend money unless I have to (and the Naked Lady Party is coming up…so I might get some things I need for free). And because I am still watching my business income, pipeline and so forth closely…determining what expenses should be put off until I see how winter (a traditionally slower time in my industry) goes.

It’s all very complicated. And a lot more effort than goes into my fashion normally.

That said, those few pieces that I did replace–four tank tops and two jacket-type things–have made dressing this week much more fun than usual. And I’m finally feeling less gross and more upbeat.

When I get my camera back from the Very Slow People Who Are Cleaning The Sensor For Me, I will show you what I mean.

By Newly Engaged (!) Roommate #1

Today, gentlemen, we will answer all your questions about why you never get any action on first dates with attractive women, or really ever, unless copious amounts of alcohol are involved.

Today, gentlemen, we discuss oral hygiene.

It is a complex and frightening topic, to be sure, but one you must confront, if you wish to date women of high caliber. And we know you do. We also know that you are capable of understanding – nay, of mastering! – the skills were are about to present.

So follow closely.

You must brush your teeth twice a day with an electronic device that costs more than your iPhone (no, you may not use a regular brush because you are currently doing a terrible job with it); You must floss ALL of your teeth once per day; You must make regular visits to a member of the American Dental Association and you must stop whining like a little girl about having your teeth cleaned by a professional hygienist.

This.
Is.
Not.
Optional.

Unless you want to continue wondering why you are in your late twenties with four roommates instead of a girlfriend.

Unless you want to continue to have a Facebook profile that looks like it belongs to a college freshman who thinks putting a lime slice on top a Corona is the height of sophistication.

Unless you want to continue on your lonely journey of interrupted make-outs and unreturned phone calls, pretending to be a free man by preference rather than because of periodontitis.

TRY the steps we’ve given you above, get to know the aisle that has bleaching strips at your local grocery store, practice smiling in front of the mirror, and locate a platonic female acquaintance who is willing to tell you what you’re still doing wrong (you may also consider asking Gigi, who is a certified expert on everything related to dating), and you will find you have throngs of women beating down your door!!!!… Or at least less gum disease.

Think about it.

This manifesto has been brought to you by Crest 3-D Vivid and Sonicare.

Though there may be a few stragglers still to publish manifestos in the coming weeks (I’m looking at you, Relatively Dashing Roommate, Newly Engaged (!) Roommate #1 & TravelMan), it’s about time to wrap up the Manifesto Fest.

Thanks to those of you who participated. If you missed le manifestos, you can click on the links below (or scroll down the page):
The Love Manifesto
The Other Love Manifesto
One Cat’s Dream

And, in tribute to our newest manifestos…here are a few old rants that might be along the manifesto lines:
Acey Deucy (or a Scandalous Statement of Intent)
Love is a Thousand Choices
Thou Shalt Not Be a Religious Asshole
Jennisms

By Mizo, typed by DK (because she has opposable thumbs)

Laptops put the world at your fingertips.

Laptops put you under the world’s thumb.

How does that yoke fit?

Hmm?

Those unfeeling wedges of plastic sunder Man from his most intimate connections, his most

Sacred.

Of.

Duties.

Laptops are unassailable walls

Between parents and their helpless infants.

Between little old ladies and their deliciously hypnotic knitting projects.

Between humans and their piteously neglected feline companions.

It’s time for Man to cast out the beguiling demons of email and eBay, of World of Warcraft and Wikipedia, of blogs and Twitter and YouTube to leave productivity, easy answers and instant gratification behind and return the promised land of Lapdom to its natural trustees.

Unplug.