the ramble

By Newly Engaged (!) Roommate #1

Today, gentlemen, we will answer all your questions about why you never get any action on first dates with attractive women, or really ever, unless copious amounts of alcohol are involved.

Today, gentlemen, we discuss oral hygiene.

It is a complex and frightening topic, to be sure, but one you must confront, if you wish to date women of high caliber. And we know you do. We also know that you are capable of understanding – nay, of mastering! – the skills were are about to present.

So follow closely.

You must brush your teeth twice a day with an electronic device that costs more than your iPhone (no, you may not use a regular brush because you are currently doing a terrible job with it); You must floss ALL of your teeth once per day; You must make regular visits to a member of the American Dental Association and you must stop whining like a little girl about having your teeth cleaned by a professional hygienist.

This.
Is.
Not.
Optional.

Unless you want to continue wondering why you are in your late twenties with four roommates instead of a girlfriend.

Unless you want to continue to have a Facebook profile that looks like it belongs to a college freshman who thinks putting a lime slice on top a Corona is the height of sophistication.

Unless you want to continue on your lonely journey of interrupted make-outs and unreturned phone calls, pretending to be a free man by preference rather than because of periodontitis.

TRY the steps we’ve given you above, get to know the aisle that has bleaching strips at your local grocery store, practice smiling in front of the mirror, and locate a platonic female acquaintance who is willing to tell you what you’re still doing wrong (you may also consider asking Gigi, who is a certified expert on everything related to dating), and you will find you have throngs of women beating down your door!!!!… Or at least less gum disease.

Think about it.

This manifesto has been brought to you by Crest 3-D Vivid and Sonicare.

Gigi: How long does it take to be common law?

DK: Actually, there’s no limit on common law in CO. As soon as you declare that you’re married and conduct yourselves as married people, you’re married…unless someone proves otherwise.

Guiding Ray of Sun: It’s a trap!

Gigi: I love that! You could have an informal wedding run by a shaman overseas and still be married in CO. LOVE!

DK: Yup. It’s all a matter of how hard someone is trying to prove you’re NOT married.

Gigi: I’m also going to start declaring (to terrified boys) that we’re officially married–and dare them to prove otherwise.

Guiding Ray of Sun: What if you don’t want to be married? Not fair.

DK: Things like owning property jointly and filing taxes together help.

Gigi: “Hey cute boy over there…I’ll do your taxes for free”

DK: hehehe

Guiding Ray of Sun: ha ha ha ha!

“Well, that’s unfortunate…it’s not very often you meet a boy you don’t feel like making fun of.” – TK

Guilty as charged.

how are you today ? i am gus and i loved your ad u r funny. i am 510 , hazel eyes and a good job. but i am going to school for welding to be a bloiler maker. i do have some bad news though i just turned 40 im nit sure if you are willing to wave you age exception for me . but i do think you are very beautiful and full of witty humor . i love to talk and , watch movies , also cook. i have to daughters they are teenagers that might bug you as well. but they are a big part of my life. i am told i am sexy i workout 5 days a week. i think u being 5 01 is hottt. anyway i will send u a pic only after u respond to this email . tttyi

Dear Totally Awesome At Grammar,

Everything about your email makes me want to break my rule about not responding to emails that don’t include pictures. Also, to take off my pants.

Love,

Gigi

My Craigslist ad is still up and causing mischief. Today’s fabulous response:

All i got is to be honest and that is you are the most beautiful woman i ever seen ever Do you drink much